Emergency Flight Information

"There are 5 exits aboard this plane: 2 at the front, 2 over the wings, and one out the plane's rear end. If you're seated in one of the exit rows, please do not store your bags by your feet. That would be a really bad idea- we would hate for the bags to make it out before the people do- though I am sure you value your louis vuitton more than the passenger next to you. In the event of a loss of cabin pressure- (because we are nose diving to the ground) these yellow baggy things will drop down over your head. Please be sure to secure yours before helping other passengers. We would hate for you to be the last one in style with this must have accessory.”



Generally, when the the flight attendants are doing their spiel I am sleeping. Once in air I don’t get much sleep so I use the boarding though take off time to catch up on some much needed zzzz’s after spending tedious long layovers between flights. However- I think that rather than trying to make the emergency speech more interesting, or pleasing to those like me who are not even pretending to be paying attention, there is more useful information to be given. Not to mention that, in the case of an actual emergency, all passengers will freak out and be in a massive state of panic and more than likely not be referencing the third column in the emergency pamphlet, they will just cry and scream.

So I give you my version of: Emergency Flight Information:

In front of your seat there is a Brown Paper bag. A.K.A The barf bag. In the event that you need to use the barf bag please do so- that is what it is there for. However, if you are continuing to be sick, please do not remain in your seat but proceed to the restrooms where being sick is a bit more appropriate and less likely to make all other passengers need their brown paper bag too.

During episodes of turbulence the seat belt sign will come on. Please remain seated. This rule is better translated to mean: During the time that I am pushing the food cart, mobile drink bar, or the on-flight duty free shop, stay out of the aisle and out of my way. This cart is the width of the aisle- so no Mr. six feet tall, you cannot just squeeze right by as I am pouring hot coffee and tea to the other passengers- not to mentioned I just passed your seat 15 seconds ago when you could have freely moved about the plane without any hinderance. So please sit down and wait until I am completed serving this aisle. Or here is a genius idea, walk in the other direction, there are several lavatories on the plane.



And yes we would like you to stay seated during turbulence as well, but not so you don’t get injured but to keep you from running through the aisles in a state of panic. Think of this more as a restraining belt during this time.

If you are fortunate enough to have a window seat- then you have been provided with a complementary head rest for the flight. However- if you are in the center seat or aisle we do apologize but your neighbor is not to be your free head rest unless this person is a family, friend or relative. You just met this person and I am sure they would not appreciate you sleeping on their shoulder for the next 4-8 hours depending on the length of the flight.



Also please keep your feet down- no one wants to findout the last time you had a pedicure.



Your child is cute and adorable. I am sure the passenger who is sitting behind your child, loves having cute Little Suzie look back and smile and make little cute funny faces. But I am positive that the man sitting in front of your child, would like to thrown Little Suzie out of the emergency exit. Suzie may only be two feet tall but planes only have one foot of leg room, making little Suzie the perfect height to kick the seat in front of her. For Little Suzie maybe you can tie the seat belt around her legs a few times as a nice way to assist her legs in remaining still. Oh and please hold the throwing of goldfish.



To Mr. and Mrs- I am bringing all of my luggage as a carry-on. Please do not in attempts to take up an entire overhead compartment remove someone else’s smaller bag to make more space for yours without asking first. After removing their bag please do not then place their bag in another compartment- they will be very confused when the plane lands, and unable to find their belongings. Now, because we have ask you to not remove another’s bag- does not mean we are giving you the permission to smash their stuff to make room for yours. Next time – please check your bag and pay the $25.00 like everyone else.



Please enjoy the on-flight music provided or feel free to listen to your iPod or other musical devices. However please remember than not all people have the same love of your voice as you do. You may be listening to Boy George or SugarRay’s “I just want to fly” but all the rest of the plane can hear, is you.

P.D.A. Save it for after the flight.



After we land we will ask that you remain seated until the seat belt sign is turned off. Please realize that when the seatbelt sign goes off this is not the same as when a gun is shot to commence the start of a race. The door to the plane has not even been opened and you sitting in row 63 will not be able to get out until rows 1-62 leave. So please let’s not try and fit every passenger on the plane in the aisle once the seat belt sign is turned off.



I hope you enjoy the rest of your flight. So please sit back (except for during the meal time) and enjoy the rest of your flight being mindful of all those sitting around you.